Did I turn into something worse? Did I take advantage of what I had and instead throw it all away? Can I step back and try to catch what I lost? This is the start of the hard nights. I wonder what will happen. I wonder what’s happening in the meanwhile.
“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”—Roald Dahl
“I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.”—
“It is very important that you only do what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may lose your car, you may have to move into a shabby place to live, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days you will bless your life because you have done what you came here to do.”—my life now.
“People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you are fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.”—Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
“Sleeping next to someone,
not with someone, is perhaps
the most intimate you will
ever be with another human.
In sleep, we are completely
defenseless. We are soft
and supple and childlike.
Our hard exteriors falls away
when the sand hits our eyes.
The way you sleep, with your
face softened and your arms
wrapped around my waist,
is the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I am not an
artist, but I may become one
just so that I can capture that
moment.”—Michelle K., I Miss Sleeping Next To You. (via plaidjunkie)
I really want to go to bed. I so badly want to go to bed. But I can’t. You know why? Because I am waiting for you to respond. Why am I so stupid to wait for you to respond? It’s not going to happen, at least for tonight. I hate to love you right now. I want to be passive-aggressive and not talk to you for a week, so that you could taste your very own medicine.
Why am I making myself miserable? Can I blame my misery onto you?
It’s easier to lie to my father than to tell him the truth about my life. It’s not because I am ashamed of my life; I would much rather lie to him and have him be happy than to have an hour phone conversation about how I should go to law school, how I should move back home, and how I should live my life according to him. It’s exhausting and there is not enough coffee in the world to help.
When we chat, it’s perfect. When we talk, I am at peace with us. I feel your love and I send you love back. I become crazy and anxious when we don’t talk for days. I have coffee every day because I love coffee and it keeps me sane. What we’re doing here is having coffee every two days; I cannot function with this inconsistency.
I feel stuck in this withdrawal stage. One part of me gets used to not hearing from you and becomes together again. When I am so close to completing withdrawal, you suck me back in with a chat message out of nowhere. The other part becomes so hopeful and enthusiastic that this time we’ll be in each other’s lives much more often that my expectations are never met; the sudden drop-off of messages leaves me feeling empty and cold.
All the research commits to the same concept: constant and stable communication in a long term relationship is key to the success of the relationship. I feel as if we do not have this. I do not think I consider our “every two day” facebook message thread to satiate this requirement. We do nothing together. We do not communicate daily; we have a static and stagnant conversation where questions are unanswered and answers are unquestioned.
We should have broken up when you left. This is unfair for both of us. I don’t want you to arrive to our message thread and be greeted with nagging comments about our relationship, while you probably don’t want to spend most of your day on the phone chatting with me about my mundane life. But, how is texting me much more different than texting Ben or Steve?
Yeah, it’s your phone. Then get a new fucking phone. I was willing to send you my old phone which WORKS decently enough (well enough to use a couple of apps on it well)…and you refused. I am willing to buy you a new phone just so I can stay sane in this relationship. I have no idea how you are feeling right now about us, about Australia, about your day, and I feel like you try no harder to make this easier.
I am angry, sex-crazed, and restless. Take me out back and shoot me because this is misery. It is miserable being in love with a great guy like you. It is miserable to be in love and completely attracted to someone who lives a whole ocean away.
Fuck me. I decided to be in this. I fell in love with you and your friends and your family and your lifestyle. I feel like I got the shit end of the stick.
I’m a brat and I understand I am asking a whole lot considering that I am not asking you for your opinion - but, you’re not present to give me your two cents. So why bother?
“No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”—Stroked on the heart strings a bit.
“Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.”—Henri J. M. Nouwen
This long distance relationship is fucking with my head. He loves me and I love him, but can you really call this a relationship? Is it healthy for me to constantly be checking my phone, my facebook for a message from him? I am going to drive myself crazy. He said he would try his best to keep in contact and again, three days pass and nothing from him. Our facebook message thread looks desperate. I hate it. I hate feeling like my happiness is dependant on his actions.
When I take a step back, I feel like I am sucked into this unrequited friendship of mine. It’s taking all I have to not drive over to his place and lie on his bed; just chat all night long and feel like someone wants my company. But it isn’t right and it isn’t fair. As much as I want THAT attention, I don’t want THAT attention from him. I want it from Ty.
I am left here in bed. I want to drive up to Jordan River, sleeping bag and all, and just leave, for the night. Why don’t I?
Keep myself busy? Is that the answer? What happens when I no longer want to share THOSE things with him anymore? Why? Well, because he is too busy to write back and for whatever reason, I have associated this with not willing to care.
I need to be strong. Nothing worth having comes easily. But….regardless, I am torn.